The alluring Mystique of darkness is what draws you in,
The feeling of being noticed Keeps you in,
Being blind to the truth almost traps you there.....
The Gothic lifestyle is one of which it is disturbing, exciting, depressing, intriguing, and mostly Immature.
Whoever is reading this, weather you know me, Personally or from online...you know i was "goth" for most of my teen years. How i feel into that "lifestyle" came from a chidhood of non-acceptance from peers, even family members. I've always felt the sadness, from being isolated constantly, and was constantly looking for an outlet, something that i can say:
"This is me, accept me or not." But it wasn't until I hit High school when I felt the feeling of being accepted.
Being "gothic" isn't only about the clothes, nor the beauty of "death" It's about the music, the art and the mystery that surrounds it.
The music was my ticket in. Growing up around rock music, I knew my fair share of tunes. If you know a key number if bands almost immediately you in. And you slowly learn more.
In the 9th grade I met, who i wanted to be like. She was this tall, slim, beautiful pale girl, with jet black hair, and an intriguing black attire. He makeup was just as wonderful as her clothing. I finally worked up the courage to talk to her.
Soon after she taught me how to be creative with a simple black eye pencil and some fabric. I learned where to shop, and tried incorporating different styles into my own.
Well into my sophomore year, I gained an extreme amount of weight, became severely depressed and landed onto a higher plane of my learning.
I learned about cutting, a disorder where you take you emotional pain, and turn it into physical pain. Most goths say this isn't true, but the majority of goths are cutters. They (we) are too blind to any truth, any help, that they take it out on their selves. I became overly depressed and angry with myself and my life that i just up and cut my self one day and i haven't stopped since. It’s a relief, a temporary relief, for an everlasting pain.
I became deeper and deeper into the life style and made more “friends” like me. I learned more, my style became more detailed, and from my goth “peers” i was more accepted than more goths out there. Then came the point when I was a leader, the one people looked up to like I did once in my life.
I was the “Dark Mistress” , The Queen of my group. The one who held it together, teaching those of what i learned. My ego grew with this power trip, and i wanted more. I wanted to experience the next level of the lifestyle. The most dangerous level of all....
Vampirism was introduced to me when i started to hang out in the village more. the village is known to harbor the goths of NYC. Its a safe haven for those who are lost and have no one to go to.
I was so blind and so involved in the play, in the fantasy world, I almost believed it real, and started playing along, bringing a friend and a boyfriend into it. Not realizing how deeply involved i was, i tried running away but nothing worked, no matter how far i would run, the vampyre life was always there to haunt me. None of my friends were “normal” so i just was consumed. I started not caring about anything, no regards to friends, relationships, family, nothing. It was all me and that was all that mattered. I then ran into the worst thing that ever happened to me and almost got so consumed in the life that i actually believed it to be real. That ended so abruptly, so suddenly that i was lost and didn't care. I decided that it was time to run for real and i stayed out of the village. That's when i met the love of my life.
If it weren't for him hating the lifestyle, the people, and everything about goths i don't know where i would be now.
He showed me how kid like everything was and slowly i changed. I didn't change for him, i changed for my self. Realizing how fake, how time consuming everything was, i ran away completely and im glad.
I still have the scars of my past on my body. Do i regret it? Of course.
This whole “rant” i guess is a statement to all goths out there, is not to get as involved as i did. Yes it isn't detailed and more explanatory, but its the best i can do to get my message out there. I guarantee, if you stay goth in your adulthood, you would have a life of misery. Im not saying get rid of the music, the poetry, or the art, because hell, i cant live without it. But don't make the death, the fantasy, a reality. It only brings trouble and non-acceptance in the future.
Do you think you can get a $100,000 job being goth?
I didn't think so.
Loose the look and the thought that the world revolves around you. it don and your not gonna live if you don't GROW UP!