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Tuesday, March 8th, 2005

Subject:Goths Beware
Time:8:50 am.
Mood: tired.
The alluring Mystique of darkness is what draws you in,
The feeling of being noticed Keeps you in,
Being blind to the truth almost traps you there.....
The Gothic lifestyle is one of which it is disturbing, exciting, depressing, intriguing, and mostly Immature.
Whoever is reading this, weather you know me, Personally or from online...you know i was "goth" for most of my teen years. How i feel into that "lifestyle" came from a chidhood of non-acceptance from peers, even family members. I've always felt the sadness, from being isolated constantly, and was constantly looking for an outlet, something that i can say:
"This is me, accept me or not." But it wasn't until I hit High school when I felt the feeling of being accepted.
Being "gothic" isn't only about the clothes, nor the beauty of "death" It's about the music, the art and the mystery that surrounds it.
The music was my ticket in. Growing up around rock music, I knew my fair share of tunes. If you know a key number if bands almost immediately you in. And you slowly learn more.
In the 9th grade I met, who i wanted to be like. She was this tall, slim, beautiful pale girl, with jet black hair, and an intriguing black attire. He makeup was just as wonderful as her clothing. I finally worked up the courage to talk to her.
Soon after she taught me how to be creative with a simple black eye pencil and some fabric. I learned where to shop, and tried incorporating different styles into my own.
Well into my sophomore year, I gained an extreme amount of weight, became severely depressed and landed onto a higher plane of my learning.
I learned about cutting, a disorder where you take you emotional pain, and turn it into physical pain. Most goths say this isn't true, but the majority of goths are cutters. They (we) are too blind to any truth, any help, that they take it out on their selves. I became overly depressed and angry with myself and my life that i just up and cut my self one day and i haven't stopped since. It’s a relief, a temporary relief, for an everlasting pain.
I became deeper and deeper into the life style and made more “friends” like me. I learned more, my style became more detailed, and from my goth “peers” i was more accepted than more goths out there. Then came the point when I was a leader, the one people looked up to like I did once in my life.
I was the “Dark Mistress” , The Queen of my group. The one who held it together, teaching those of what i learned. My ego grew with this power trip, and i wanted more. I wanted to experience the next level of the lifestyle. The most dangerous level of all....
Vampirism was introduced to me when i started to hang out in the village more. the village is known to harbor the goths of NYC. Its a safe haven for those who are lost and have no one to go to.
I was so blind and so involved in the play, in the fantasy world, I almost believed it real, and started playing along, bringing a friend and a boyfriend into it. Not realizing how deeply involved i was, i tried running away but nothing worked, no matter how far i would run, the vampyre life was always there to haunt me. None of my friends were “normal” so i just was consumed. I started not caring about anything, no regards to friends, relationships, family, nothing. It was all me and that was all that mattered. I then ran into the worst thing that ever happened to me and almost got so consumed in the life that i actually believed it to be real. That ended so abruptly, so suddenly that i was lost and didn't care. I decided that it was time to run for real and i stayed out of the village. That's when i met the love of my life.
If it weren't for him hating the lifestyle, the people, and everything about goths i don't know where i would be now.
He showed me how kid like everything was and slowly i changed. I didn't change for him, i changed for my self. Realizing how fake, how time consuming everything was, i ran away completely and im glad.
I still have the scars of my past on my body. Do i regret it? Of course.
This whole “rant” i guess is a statement to all goths out there, is not to get as involved as i did. Yes it isn't detailed and more explanatory, but its the best i can do to get my message out there. I guarantee, if you stay goth in your adulthood, you would have a life of misery. Im not saying get rid of the music, the poetry, or the art, because hell, i cant live without it. But don't make the death, the fantasy, a reality. It only brings trouble and non-acceptance in the future.
Do you think you can get a $100,000 job being goth?
I didn't think so.
Loose the look and the thought that the world revolves around you. it don and your not gonna live if you don't GROW UP!
*^* Execute Me.

Monday, April 5th, 2004

Subject:were back
Time:12:27 pm.
"does a little dance"

it aint over no more
2 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Wednesday, March 31st, 2004

Subject:its over
Time:11:42 am.
Mood: crushed.
Its fucking over

1 Death Warrent *^* Execute Me.

Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004

Time:10:32 am.
8 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Saturday, February 21st, 2004

Subject:So Fuckin amazing
Time:10:44 am.
Mood: giddy.
Wow did i have the most amazing day!
Well first lettme start off saying that i am now starting to go out with this guy Mario. I met him like 2 years ago on like liberty ave though bonnie. but since i started working at the mall everything is like wow. The other day Mario had saw me @ the mall and he told bonnie tat he wanted to get to know me better. So yesterday (the 19th) we were all (me, Mario, bonnie, barbara, john, timmy, ed, Liz, danny eleana, morgan, lala and this other chick, were all just chillin out havin a good tyme @ the park and a few of us went to the liquor store to buy shyt. the whole walk there Mario was like poking me and ticklin me and totally hittin on me. It was great. so we got back to the park and ppl were drinkin, not much ony Once 40 bottle of sminorf ice and a vodka bottle. I onyl had a swig of the sminorf. but w/e then Mario was like all huggin me and crap and i was enjoyin tat one. and we were juss havin a blast. So then bonnie, barbara, john, timmy, ed,eleana, morgan, lala and this other chick, all left so me liz danny and Mario started walkin round da mal and we chilled in sam goody for a while and Mario turns around and KISSES me!!!!!! Omg! it was great.so we went up stairs to forever 21 for the fuck of it and was lookin @ some shyt and shy and i was jus sikied (iz tat how u spell it? Si-kied idk) ne ways.... to we went down to the food court and chilled for a bit and then went to jamica ave to chill out with this other dude john. we jus chilled in mcdonalds and shyt, and Mario kept on sayin we made such a cute couple (and he didnt even ask me out yet.) so walkin down alantic ave to get the 11, he sed tat hes finally in a "realitionship" with a girl his age. John turns around n sed "did u even ask her out yet" LOL no he didnt. but i told Mario it was safe to assume, and he sed u wanna be my girlfriend? of course i sed yes :)

Then today we met up @ liberty and went to the village b/c i hadda do some shyt quick. i didnt have ne money so we were like wat to do. SO we got back to my house and he met my mom, and we were jus chillin in my room, lookin @ pics and shyt. leavin he called my mom "mom" lolz it was sooooooooooo cute. then we were like uhh wat to do....and so we went to the movies. He had 19 dollars so we went to see Euro Trip.......Great fuckin Movie man, it was awsome. Then he hadd 2 bucks left and it was only 10. so i was like wat now. Then i hada GENIOUS idea...lets go to my dads house! So he used a dollar to get here. he met my dad, and my dad seems to likee him. We watched the endin of the crow and Fight Club (great fuckin movies right there) and we were jsu chillin. So the movie ended @ like 2am and i walked him to the train station and swiped him on (i have an unlimited) it was awsome....every part of this day was soo improvized but it was soooooo amazing. i loved every part of this day......hes soo sweet, nice, respectable and shyt. OMG hes great. but its now 3:07 and i gotta get up early 2 morrow.

3 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004

Subject:im malfunctoning
Time:10:35 am.
Mood: moody.
No matter how i try and hide it..........im fuckin depressed..........i just sit in my room at night trying to figure out what i did wrong....why do i alway feel unhappy.....i always feel im an outsider....i act the way i do because it makes it seem im happy, makes it seem what ever i say, is the right thing.......but im a hyprocrate.....i go against what i say, i tell people not to cut.....what do i do? thats just the surface.........everything i say and do is one contridiction. whatever i did it never seems its good enough....i cant be happy with life, even though it mite seem i have a goood one......nothing to complain abiout.......and rightfully i dont........but i just not happy. In realitionships i look for the physical pleasure to make me "happy" but am i really happy? When i was with mike, there was a tyme i was happy.......but somethng happend.....and i really dont know what it was....but it was like i changed suddenlly.......was it because of skyy? was it because of the open relationship he *talked* about or what? i dont know i really dont.......but since then.....ive been miserable........its like anythng i say or do is nothing........and now messing with valek......yea its cool.......but i want more....but i know its not possible because of nicole......and she found out now nonetheless.....bonnie told the rong person and it got to her........now im afraid to see valek because im petrified of nicole (big story, she got me arrested in jhs not getting into it) And i dont wanna start any trouble. and i still have feelings for skyy, but that will never ever happen..... i know that. Im just really malfunctioning and i cant explain why.
Merh this sucks
1 Death Warrent *^* Execute Me.

Subject:Scars Of Life
Time:3:18 am.
Mood: moody.
Inside alone
this world's coming down on me again
Nowhere to run to
as these twisted thoughts flow through my head
I never wanted to break away
Can't help that I don't feel the same
And now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame

These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees

I stare into myself I'm scared
of what I just might find
A reflection of my past
something I've always tried to hide
Now my life is coming apart
Why must I always be this way?
Now I'm standing here
asking myself if I'm to blame


I can no longer take this
The pain that lives inside of me
Must find a way to erase this
So I can finally breathe

These silent words you'll never hear
These frozen thoughts will not appear
And I'm breaking down inside of me
Still no one sees
one sees
*^* Execute Me.

Sunday, January 25th, 2004

Subject:Well here is my final post.....my Final goodbye......
Time:1:56 am.
Until Next sat lolz......im going to the domincan republic 2 morrow so ima not on then ima be cleaning packing, and chillin w. my friends. SO good bye my dear dear Friends........I will miss you all in this freezing cold while i am baking in the sun hehe
*^* Execute Me.

Monday, January 19th, 2004

Time:2:39 am.
Mood: crappy.
You have wings of STEEL. No one's really
sure why, but at this point in your life you've
shut off emotion to the point of extreme
apathy. You are cold and indifferent much of
the time...or perhaps you're just a good
pretender. Next to impossible to get close to,
even those who do never see the real you. It's
entirely possible that YOU don't even know the
real you. You have a certain fascination or
attraction to destruction on a massive scale -
disasters, perhaps even death or the concept of
the Apocalypse. Because you hold so much
inside, one day you're simply going to snap.
Then the mask will fall away, and your true
wings will be revealed. Until then you will
deal with whatever comes your way in icy bitter
silence and acceptance. On the positive side,
you are fearless and immeasurably strong - not
much can crack through your defenses. You
intrigue people, who can't help but wonder why
you're the way you are. A loner and one who
spends much of their time brooding and
contemplating life and death - you are a time
bomb waiting to explode and create some
destruction of your own.

*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
*^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, January 6th, 2004

Time:1:43 am.
Do you know what its like being alone? It sucks....Being with someone for so long makes you numb, makes u confterable and then, when it ends, the knowledge of the lonleyness overcomes you, and you cry......and you cant stop crying......even if u inicated it, you still hurt. Hurt because you still love, But its for the best.......well, thats what I'll keep on telling myself. I dont think I'll ever get over it, But this mask i own will hide my feelings. It was for the best....i hope. Or, I hope i didnt make the biggest mistake of my life doing this. I dont know if i coulda went on much longer knowing how i am possibly hurting him, or whatnot. He will always own a piece of my heart...something i could never take back....

I still love him....
8 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Friday, January 2nd, 2004

Subject:bringin in the new year with a black eye
Time:3:03 am.
Mood: groggy.
Hey guys hope new years waz fun.......lolz i got PISS aSS DRUNK! holy shyt man, i had like no joke, 3 strawberry daquris, a cup of malabu, in cup, then we all passed around a pot with it (tat was fun) 3 buds, a half a bottle of absolut citron by my self and a shot of 160 proof vodka....(fuckin rubbing alchol man!) i got sooo drunk lolz then wen the ball dropped, we all (i wnet to a house party) went out and fuckin screamed our lungs off, and then charlie (the party thrower) and i had a "play" fight and he punched me in the eye and now i have a black eye...its rather amusin if u think about it because i didnt feel it then.......but i feel it now......and @#%$ up thing about it is that i hadda open my store this morning (1/1/03) so i was like belhhhhh all fuckin hung over w. 2 hrs of sleep. but im fuckin scratched, worn, brusied and beaten lolz....( a new song im gona make hehe) but nontheless it was great...so wat u do?
*^* Execute Me.

Thursday, December 25th, 2003

Time:11:38 pm.
Mood: confused.
I sense there's something in the wind
That feels like tragedy's at hand
And though I'd like to stand by him
Can't shake this feeling that I have
The worst is just around the bend

And does he notice my feelings for him?
And will he see how much he means to me?
I think it's not to be

What will become of my dear friend?
Where will his actions lead us then?
Although I'd like to join the crowd
In their enthusiastic cloud
Try as I may, it doesn't last

And will we ever end up together?
no, I think not, it's never to become
For I am not the one
*^* Execute Me.

Saturday, December 20th, 2003

Subject:Wake me Up!
Time:2:26 am.
Mood: drained.
I love this song, When i went to hidden shadows they played this and i got the CD hehe



Don't wake me up...

I feel a pressure
A certain kind of need
I feel aggression
Every time I bleed
I am not like you
And you are not like me
You figured out what's good
But what is bad for me?
Recently I chose not to say a word
Everything I sense is going to be absurd
I never felt so strong
I never felt so high
I guess this has to be
The feeling when I die

Just remember what I said
Don't wake me up when I am dead
Just remember what I said
[Don't wake me up, don't wake me up]

I can feel it's getting silent
But cannot say what I believe
If you are here and I am out there
The silence is all that I receive
Can I be with you
And can you be with me?
If all that we might have
We cannot hardly see
I never felt so strong
And never been so grabbed
I guess this has to be
The feeling when I'm dead

Just remember what I said
Don't wake me up when I am dead
Just remember what I said
[Don't wake me up, don't wake me up]
*^* Execute Me.

Wednesday, December 17th, 2003

Subject:Sex Braclets
Time:11:51 am.
Mood: groggy.
What once use to be a symbol of genre is now a symbol of sex........The Jelly Braclets...I wear them all the tyme....ive been wearing them forever....It use to be back in the day that the jelly braclets were a sign of the genre of music u listen to, and the colors were just tat....Black was goth or hardcore and any color was raver, and rainbow was candy raver....what now....if i wear a black braclet and someone breaks it off i hafta have sex with them? That isnt right all these freaking 13-16 year olds are starting this trend and its annoying....I Just found out about this because channel 9 news wanted to film the jelly braclets in my store ( I work in claires) and i that is when i found out about it....its sad really...it is....kids dont even kow the risks involved with sex.....i mean whats the color that you break when you have aids?
4 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, December 16th, 2003

Time:11:02 am.
My LiveJournal 12 Days
My True Love gave to me...
12 anime_chicks a-groaning.
11 cybergothicas a-commenting.
10 deepblacks a-falling.
9 eradicateennuis a-hacking.
8 fox_mulder112s a-tripping.
7 hollowbeautys a-spitting.
6 jon_part_1s a-giggling.
5 light yellow neonbendystraws.
4 chewing simpleaugusts.
3 Swedish sweetbabboos.
2 terrapin wretcheddragons.
And a xmeltwithmex in a apple tree.
Get gifts! Username:
Another fun meme brought to you by rfreebern.
1 Death Warrent *^* Execute Me.

Sunday, December 14th, 2003

Subject:Mohawks are dnagerous!
Time:2:44 am.
Mood: exhausted.
wow was last night (friday) AWSOME! listen

Now i get outta work @ 9:30 and im havin a shytty day @ work and i didnt really wanna go to the party but i was like wtf. so i was standing out side of irving, all bundled because i was gona wait 3 hrs for my friend to get outta the Mindless Self Indulgance concert. and i was sitting on one of the barracrades in frount of the doors smokin a cig and this guy came up to me he was wearing a "band and crew" sticker, and he came up to me and he sed...."so whats your story?" i was like uh....He was like start out with once upon a time....why are you out here?

I was like Well Im waiting for my friend to get out of the concert so we can go to a party. He asked were the party was, and i sed Brooklyn. This then was him:

"so let me get this straight, Your standing OUTSIDE in the cold, waiting for your friend to get outta the concert INSIDE so you can go to a party later?"

I was like, um yea lol

he sed here, take this (hands me a FREE concert ticket) go inside and enjoy the show, its cold out here.

Holy shyt! i got in for fskin free and i never heard this band b4.....i heard OF them, but havnt HEARD them. needless to say, i went in the concert found my friend like instantly. She was like JESSE!! Howd u get in??? i told her she was like HOLY SHYT!!!!!! ne ways concert was amazing, but wowzer Punk shows are BRUTIAAL worse than ne hardcore show i been 2!! You get poked in the eye with a mohawk @ a fskin punk show....plus its more packed tan a hardcore show so more ppl to be squished against! lolz its funny im all walking up in there all black and shyt, surrounded by plaid and pink or bright colord mohawks....it was funny...but ANYWAYS......we left and we went to the party and i didnt no anyone but everyone was sooo nice to me and shyt,....then i got BLASTED....and we ate popyes. chicken and biskets yum yum. Coming home i was sooooooo blasted it wasnt even FUZNNY! Then the fusked up part is....i slept ova stephs house last nite AND I hadda open up my store! @ 9:30!!!!!!!!!! and we didnt even get home till 5:30 so right now im runnin on like 2 hrs of sleep...lolz. well theirs my friday...today was boring...work, suffering from a major hangover and then i went to mikes....fun fun....OKies ima go and answer some notes now...cya!!!!

Note me!

3 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Thursday, December 11th, 2003

Time:12:22 pm.
What rating is your journal?

brought to you by Quizilla
*^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, December 9th, 2003

Subject:Random Scars
Time:10:54 am.
Mood: depressed.
The slash from my wrist to the inside of my elbow.
The p e n t a g r a m on the inside of my left ankle.
The x on my hand.
The gash from the sandpaper.
The burns from a quarter.
R a n d o m scars from my past.
The bite mark perament from my canines.
The f l o r e s c e n t light bulb scars.
The rope burns.
R a n d o m scars not too long ago.
The h on my right breast.
The f r a c t u r e d cartilage in my knuckles.
R a n d o m scars define me.
The fadi
[Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font color-#55555>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.]

<center>The <s>slash</s> from my wrist to the <small>inside</small> of my elbow.
The <sub>p e n t a g r a m</sub> on the inside of my left ankle.
The <u>x</u> on my hand.
The <small><s>gash</s></small> from the sandpaper.
The <sup>burns</sup> from a quarter.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> from my past.</small>
The <small><sub>bite</sub></small> mark perament from my canines.
The <small>f l o r e s c e n t</small> light bulb scars.
The rope burns.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> not too long ago.</small>
The <u>h</u> on my right breast.
The <small>f r a c t u r e d</small> cartilage in my knuckles.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> define me.</small>
The <font color=#3a3a3a>fa</font><font color=#848484>di</font><font color-#55555>ng</font> <s>scar</s> near my right <sub>eye.</sub>
The <sup>fresh</sup> </s>scabs</s> from a <small>rusty</small> razor.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> on top of <s>scars.</s></small>
The person I <sub>was.</sub>
The person I <sup>am.</sup>
Why I contunie?
I don't know
The <font color=darkred><small>blood</small></font> shed.
The <font color=darkred><small>blood</small></font> lost.
The <font color=darkred><small>blood</small></font> consumed.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> consume me.</small>
My life.
This <s>knife.</s>
Do I want to?
The <sup>snow</sup><sub>falls.</sub>
The <small>faint</small>glimmer blinds my eyes.
<small>R a n d o m</small> <s>scars</s> are me.
I light a <small><sub>cigarette.</sub>
I inhale deeply.
Slowly letting out the <sup>smoke.</sup>
It clouds my room.
<small>R a n d o m</small> <s>scars</s> are my fiend, my enemy.</small>
Multiple <small>p i e r c i n g s.</small>
A <sub>tattoo</sub>
Pain is my only pleasure.
A <small>s a d o m a s o c h i s t.</small>
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> make me cry.</small>
My <small>hidden</small> lie.
My <small>hidden</small> pleasure.
My <small>hidden</small> life.
Cracked lips from the <sup>cold.</sup>
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> define me.</small>
Rocks on my dresser.
A <font color=gray>black</font> candle lit.
Opium incence burns.
The <small>a s h e s</small> <sub>fall</sub> on the cut velvet fabric.
Christmas lights give light.
The laptop <sup>shines.</sup>
The <font color=purple>black light</font> <sup>fli</sup><sub>cke</sub><sup>rs.</sup>
UV braclets glow.
<small>R a n d o m</small> <s>scars</s> scream.</small>
Clothes abroad on the floor.
A forign bra <sub>lies</sub>lies on the chair.
It's not mine.
My lifes not mine.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> confuse me.</small>
I unplug the lights.
<small>Snuff</small> out the candle.
Plug in my phone.
<small>Not like anyone calls.</small>
Wasted money for un-wasted minutes.
The <font color=purple>black light</font> still <sup>fli</sup><sub>cke</sub><sup>rs.</sup>
<small>R a n d o m</small> <s>scars</s> cover me.</small>
I put on my blanket.
Set up my pillows.
Set the laptop on my lap.
So <sub>mundane.</sub>
Yet so <sup>serene.</sup>
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> drown me.</small>
The CD s k i p s.
<s>Scratched</s> up from over play.
Lyrics <small>unheard.</small>
Like my voice.
<small>R a n d o m</small> <s>scars</s> alone.</small>
Almost two in the morning.
D r i f t i n g in and out of <small>conscioness.</small>
So <sup>awake.</sup>
Yet so <sub>dead.</sub>
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> burn.</small>
I can hear my heart <small>beat.</small>
Hoping soon it will <font color=red>s t o p.</font>
My lungs exale.
Craving another cigarette.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> frighten me.</small>
I am <small>unknown.</small>
I am barly breathing.
I am <b>not</b> what I want to be.
I am <b>not</b> what I wish to be.
I am what I <b>fear.</b>
I am what <font color=gray>nightmares</font> fortell.
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> from my future.</small>
Knowing I will be late tomorrow.
Yet I stay <sup>awake.</sup>
<font color=blue>Sleep</font> is not a nessecssity.
<font color=blue>Sleep</font> is a <sub>privlage.</sub>
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> rest.</small>
I <sub>fall</sub> into oblivion.
In the <font color=gray>black</font> hole I created.
The <small>r a n d o m n e s s</small> has <font color=gray>Disap</font><font color=#555555>per</font><font color=black>ed.</font>
All thats left is <s>scars</s> on top of <s>scars.</s>
<small>R a n d o m <s>scars</s> on purpose...</small></center>
*^* Execute Me.

Sunday, December 7th, 2003

Subject:Incandescent Mumblings......
Time:8:44 am.
Mood: bored.
[+] Boredom rules every day of our lives [+]

boredom basically rules my whole life, I cant remember a day when i wasnt bored. it consumes me.......it controls me....although there are times where i did have some amusing aspects....like today in work, when my friends came in we were remeniscing about the chicken nugget people.........ah yes that another amusing thing..........the chicken nugget man......that was hilarious......also there was a time when i was parionied about getting home late from "fuck-in" jersey (another amusing anicdote) and my friend consoled me with "angry hamsters"....so yea...maybe i lied a bit with the whole...."cant remember a day wen i wasnt bored" but its the downtimes is the boreing tymes........its when im alone with my mind.....those are the really scary times....the things that go on.....man im a weirdo. the things i thought of, the things i wanted to do.....sick i tell you......and if i ever opend up to my old psycholgist.....my real thoughts.......id be in a straight jacket bouncing around in a padded room........that reminds me of another funny time, actually a sayin i once heard

"I was crazy once, they locked me in a rubber room, i died in that room, they buried me next to a flower and the flower tickled my nose,it drove me crazy!" (repeat as many times to make another person crazy)

ahh rather amusing......bah.......i wonder where i went wrong sometimes......i mean the choices i made.....really stupid........i was really stupid.....actually i still am...I use to cut, i use to do drugs, the failed sucide attempts, shows ya how messed up i used to be......yes i stoped Most of that now......but now my lifestyle is dangerous......but meh im gonna die one way or another.....so why not live it to the fullest? meh.....i can be a fun person........but i think my childhood explains why people never liked me.........i never understood why tho...........

Back in the day........from kindergarden to 8th grade, i was that prime subject every one LOVED to pick on..........and i never understood what......it was always the little things @ first stupid kiddie things but i never learned how to stick up for my self, so id cry it away........make it even worse....meh, maybe they had nothing else better to do, so why NOT pick on the overly nice girl, the girl who'd never brought in munchkins for her birthday, never had the "in"clothes or the cool pen......then junior high school came........man can those people be brutal! the rumors flying left and right........i once was told i gave a blow job........and i was like wtf (well not like that, i never "cursed" either.........god was i such a goodie goddie) i hadda ask my MOM what it was.......man how pathitic.......i never understood it.......

things didnt start getting better until i got to high school, cuz then i didnt go to the same hs as the people in my nebijhorhood, so, new faces, new beginnings. and you know what....i did have a new begining, the "freak" the loser, the sucidal type, the outcast.... so i sat alone a few days during freshman year.......so what? then i sat at the rong table and it happen to be the table with all the seniors and they liked me! wow that was cool, a freshman hanging out with all seniors (oh did i fail to mention that my school has a max of 800 ppl in it?) well i had my foot in the door, now to actually walk in...

10th, 11,th and senior year was a blast, i OWNED that school. yes i was still called a freak but i was proud and people still liked me, but they never understood why i always wore black or why i was so "gothic" meh i was just being who i was.......Jesse. Whoever the hell she is..... but nevertheless, i owned and people knew i owned, even the teachers. I was "Jessica Jones"

No one messed with me, teachers all passed me.......i think they were just afraid of my trench coat......afraid if they dont pass me i would go columbine on their ass. w/e. lets see now......i was always restraind by my parents......so i never went to parties. and to this day...stil havent (although i could now because im 18) but anyways...bah...

I smoke, I drink when i can, i work my ass off in claires (blah!) i go to college, and im just one large basket case. (Do you have the tyme........to listen to me whine.........about nothing and everything all at once...........) i have 12 piercings and my favorite band is AFI. (although irrelvent, but so is this entry)

[+] end of boredom rant [+]
*^* Execute Me.

Subject:and it started out talking aboutmusic
Time:1:52 am.
this is the funnest convo i hadda endure though.........im Autumnsashesfall

Pennwisedom (12:58:07 AM): So, I'm confused here. You live in the city?
AutumnsAshesFall (12:58:27 AM): yea in queens
Pennwisedom (12:58:39 AM): Okay, and you know there's other venues that aren't Irving Plaza right?
AutumnsAshesFall (12:59:23 AM): yea i no but MSG and hammerstien and shyt they play the really big bands no mosing area and shyt.. its hard to explain i just havent been to many
Pennwisedom (12:59:57 AM): Well, most of those bands, atleast the ones that count have played at CBGBs more than once
AutumnsAshesFall (1:00:37 AM): yea i know tat one but u read the rest of my reasons, i work most of the tyme
Pennwisedom (1:00:59 AM): Working full time when you don't live on your own is just dumb
AutumnsAshesFall (1:01:48 AM): i dont work full tyme, i work n go 2 college, annoyin but all my free tyme is goin 2 work because i still gotta pay rent to my parents
Pennwisedom (1:02:24 AM): And you're working on Friday and Saturday at like 8pm?
AutumnsAshesFall (1:02:40 AM): fri and sat i dnt get outta work till 9:30
Pennwisedom (1:02:50 AM): I'd get a better job then
AutumnsAshesFall (1:02:51 AM): i close my store
AutumnsAshesFall (1:03:15 AM): my job is pretty OK im a 3rd key...like an assistant manager
Pennwisedom (1:03:37 AM): But your life shouldn't revolve around work at 18
AutumnsAshesFall (1:03:52 AM): if i didnt work id have no money
AutumnsAshesFall (1:04:13 AM): n w/ only 4 people on my whole staff, i got like no choice
AutumnsAshesFall (1:05:32 AM): ive been there for 8 months....got promoted its pretty cool
Pennwisedom (1:06:14 AM): Well, it just doesn't seem very great to me to sit there and start having my life revolve around my work when I'm gonna be doing it till 65
AutumnsAshesFall (1:07:32 AM): lolz. well lets see paycheck, every 2 weeks, 7.15 an hour, like 25-30 hrs a week a 3 sumptin paycheck, its good pocket change, enough for cigs, rent to my parents metro cards and food
Pennwisedom (1:08:17 AM): And just think about the thoursands of dollars you'd spend if you didn't smoke
AutumnsAshesFall (1:10:03 AM): very very very true.......but its kinda hard (n dont give me tat "ur only 18 u dont no how it means to be addicted" but ive been smokin since i was 15 and a couple tymes wen i wanted2 quit i couldnt (b/c lack of job id be bumming constantly) but now i donthave the desire to quit......its a grand stress reliever
Pennwisedom (1:10:30 AM): Its going to be an even better stress reliever when you don't have to do anything cause you have 20 tubes in your body and can't breathe
AutumnsAshesFall (1:11:27 AM): meh i know ur rite but i learn the hard way....which is stupid.....i heard the stories, my uncle got lung cancer from it and i dont kow its hard
Pennwisedom (1:11:43 AM): The hard way doesn't really work cause you see, it won't help once you're dead
AutumnsAshesFall (1:11:50 AM): this is true
AutumnsAshesFall (1:12:13 AM): but i went through this convo many many tymes b4 n well idk really
Pennwisedom (1:12:23 AM): And its obvious you're addicted
Pennwisedom (1:12:28 AM): There's no one who smokes who isn't addictive
AutumnsAshesFall (1:12:56 AM): not tru u got the occional smoker who jus smokes wen they drink or wen they are w. friends
Pennwisedom (1:13:04 AM): Its bullshit
Pennwisedom (1:13:12 AM): There is no substance on this planet more addictive than Nicotine
AutumnsAshesFall (1:13:29 AM): not really..........my friend john just smokes wen hes w. me and thats not often
Pennwisedom (1:13:41 AM): Then he's just plain dumb
AutumnsAshesFall (1:13:44 AM): lolz
AutumnsAshesFall (1:13:59 AM): he is
Pennwisedom (1:14:18 AM): I mean, maybe someone would have a good excuse if it was 1950
AutumnsAshesFall (1:14:25 AM): haha
Pennwisedom (1:14:58 AM): And you will spend about $1000 on Cigarettes a year, that can buy a whole lot of food and other stuff
AutumnsAshesFall (1:15:40 AM): oh i know that for a fact i could have more tan 1000 tho.......i smoke like 4-5 packs a week
Pennwisedom (1:15:59 AM): Okay, in that case, you're gonna die by you're 20 and you're spending:
Pennwisedom (1:16:19 AM): More like $2000
AutumnsAshesFall (1:16:23 AM): ha i dont think im diein in the next 2 years
AutumnsAshesFall (1:16:45 AM): yea alot esp w. nyc cig tax..........n i get the expensive ones
Pennwisedom (1:17:09 AM): Well, I gave a conservative estamite of $7, you're probably paying more, so I'd say like $2500 atleast
Pennwisedom (1:17:27 AM): And maybe not, but you'll definitaly devolop very painful cancer
AutumnsAshesFall (1:18:00 AM): *sighs* yes yes i know i know
AutumnsAshesFall (1:18:07 AM): but im gonna die either way ne wyas
Pennwisedom (1:18:14 AM): There's a difference in just dieing
Pennwisedom (1:18:18 AM): And living for a year or two with cancer
Pennwisedom (1:18:24 AM): There's people who live until they die
Pennwisedom (1:18:32 AM): And then there's people who's whole life they're basically dead
Pennwisedom (1:18:45 AM): Plus, as Curl Up And Die so affectionatly put it "Kissing you is like licking an Ashtray"
AutumnsAshesFall (1:19:09 AM): ha thats why they invented tooth paste, gum and mouth wash :-D
Pennwisedom (1:19:23 AM): That doesn't get it off your whole body
Pennwisedom (1:19:36 AM): And so maybe if you walk around with that all day every day and use it about 30 times a day
Pennwisedom (1:19:45 AM): Then you can taste like mouth wash...I don't think that's much more attractive
AutumnsAshesFall (1:19:47 AM): suprizingly i dont smell like smoke iduno how i do it i just do
Pennwisedom (1:19:58 AM): I'm sure you just don't notice it
AutumnsAshesFall (1:20:20 AM): neither does ne one else......my rents NEVR knew i smokes
AutumnsAshesFall (1:20:24 AM): smoked*
Pennwisedom (1:20:53 AM): Well maybe people there are stupid, I don't know, I haven't been to the city in years, with the exception of trying to drive through Manhattan, and that was a big mistake
AutumnsAshesFall (1:21:17 AM): woah howd u get out?
Pennwisedom (1:21:56 AM): Lincoln Tunnel to the 52nd st bridge, and then I had my own issue with the Brooklyn Queens Expressway and got on the LIE in the wrong direction
Pennwisedom (1:22:04 AM): And so I ended up back in Manhattan on the midtown tunnel
AutumnsAshesFall (1:22:47 AM): LOL
AutumnsAshesFall (1:23:07 AM): driving in manhatten should be illigal
Pennwisedom (1:24:09 AM): It should
AutumnsAshesFall (1:24:15 AM): lolz
Pennwisedom (1:24:17 AM): Just like smoking in all public places
AutumnsAshesFall (1:24:22 AM): bah
AutumnsAshesFall (1:24:31 AM): bannin it in bars is enough
AutumnsAshesFall (1:24:42 AM): no need to ban it in the steets and parks
Pennwisedom (1:24:50 AM): Yea there is
Pennwisedom (1:24:58 AM): I don't need to be walking down the street and get a bunch of smoke in my face
AutumnsAshesFall (1:25:10 AM): maqn ur like REALLLY anti-smokin
Pennwisedom (1:25:13 AM): Plus, its widely known that the smoke from cigarettes does shit to the environment
AutumnsAshesFall (1:25:35 AM): so does building fumes and car fumes etc
Pennwisedom (1:25:48 AM): Well, I don't live in an industrial building
Pennwisedom (1:25:57 AM): And I do drive the car with the lowest emissions of any car
AutumnsAshesFall (1:26:11 AM): lolz
Pennwisedom (1:26:30 AM): But that's not the point, cigarettes also kill about a billion more people
AutumnsAshesFall (1:26:36 AM): ok anti smokin and envirment friendly
AutumnsAshesFall (1:26:42 AM): ya
AutumnsAshesFall (1:26:43 AM): i no i no
Pennwisedom (1:26:56 AM): Anybody with half a brain is anti-smoking, just take a look at what's in it
Pennwisedom (1:27:07 AM): And the fact that if you went and smoked 5 cigarettes at the same time
Pennwisedom (1:27:12 AM): The Nicotine would literally kill you
AutumnsAshesFall (1:27:51 AM): well ne one w. a fraction of a brain wouldnt smoke 5 @ a tyme.....maybe 5 in a row which hasnt killed me yet
Pennwisedom (1:28:50 AM): Dieing from Nicotine poisoning is much less painful than dieing from cancer over years and years and god only knows what else
AutumnsAshesFall (1:29:34 AM): yea i no...........ur really soundin like my dad now....its scry lol
Pennwisedom (1:30:05 AM): I've known enough people die of diseases they didn't deserve when more than enough people are smoking and not dieing yet
AutumnsAshesFall (1:30:27 AM): so u hope all smokers die or something?
Pennwisedom (1:30:47 AM): It doesn't matter, all smokers are going to die, just before everyoneelse
AutumnsAshesFall (1:31:06 AM): very postivie
Pennwisedom (1:31:35 AM): And cancer treatment might be worse than the cancer itself
AutumnsAshesFall (1:31:59 AM): yea losin hair and all during chemo.
Pennwisedom (1:32:16 AM): You basically lose everything. You're lucky if you have any strength
AutumnsAshesFall (1:32:52 AM): i know
Pennwisedom (1:32:58 AM): And if they can operate, like removing a lung is a pretty good way to just end your life right there
AutumnsAshesFall (1:34:05 AM): well like i sed im gona die one way or another weather it be by smoking or getting hit by a bus...its bound to happen im going to die wen its my tyme
Pennwisedom (1:34:16 AM): Don't give me that time crap
Pennwisedom (1:34:31 AM): There is a difference between dieing at like 75 and dieing at 40 from cancer
AutumnsAshesFall (1:35:17 AM): well like i say live ur life to the fullest. have ur fun while ur young because havin fun @ 40 isnt as much fun while ur doing it in ur 20's
Pennwisedom (1:35:39 AM): If you were living life to your fullest you wouldn't do something that is preventing you from doing that
Pennwisedom (1:35:49 AM): And you obviously can't since you spend $2000+ dollars
AutumnsAshesFall (1:35:54 AM): how am i prevent it
AutumnsAshesFall (1:35:56 AM): ha
Pennwisedom (1:36:01 AM): You do nothing but work
Pennwisedom (1:36:13 AM): Plus, its effect on your lungs is already present
AutumnsAshesFall (1:36:18 AM): not exactly true i do go to clubs hang out and ccrap
Pennwisedom (1:36:30 AM): Oh, well that's very intellectually stimulating
AutumnsAshesFall (1:36:33 AM): wellies its not showing yet
Pennwisedom (1:36:49 AM): Probably cause you don't do anything that involves physical exertion
Pennwisedom (1:37:11 AM): For some kind of extended period
Pennwisedom (1:37:23 AM): Walking does not count
AutumnsAshesFall (1:37:28 AM): what? how would u know, im in a weight traing course in my college i excerzie every night and i walk or jog everywhere
AutumnsAshesFall (1:37:50 AM): well not jog everywhere but wen i have the chance i do
Pennwisedom (1:37:59 AM): Give it two years
AutumnsAshesFall (1:38:15 AM): im in awsome physical shape and smokine yes has hindered it some, slowed my pase down alot but i can still do it
Pennwisedom (1:38:27 AM): ANd its only gonna slow it down more
Pennwisedom (1:38:48 AM): So that when you're 25 you have the body of a 50 year old
AutumnsAshesFall (1:39:13 AM): meh
Pennwisedom (1:39:21 AM): Wrinkles and everything
AutumnsAshesFall (1:39:32 AM): i dont think wrinkles
Pennwisedom (1:39:42 AM): Smoking definitaly causes wrinkles
Pennwisedom (1:39:46 AM): Plus those cracks in your skin
AutumnsAshesFall (1:40:31 AM): wat cracks?
Pennwisedom (1:40:49 AM): It takes awhile for them to show up, but they usually occur around your mouth
AutumnsAshesFall (1:41:11 AM): eh? i never heard this b4
Pennwisedom (1:41:34 AM): You usually can only really tell in old people
Pennwisedom (1:41:38 AM): Also it does a number on your septum
Pennwisedom (1:42:02 AM): To the point where eventually it causes a hole to develop and you can stick stuff through it
AutumnsAshesFall (1:42:06 AM): well ill look @ my mom.....and the septum now thats a first
Pennwisedom (1:42:19 AM): Oh, this is a pretty known fact
AutumnsAshesFall (1:42:37 AM): really? ive NEVER heard it b4
Pennwisedom (1:42:50 AM): I'm sure there's plenty about cigarettes you don't know
Pennwisedom (1:42:55 AM): Starting with half of the ingredients
AutumnsAshesFall (1:42:59 AM): and i bet tat
Pennwisedom (1:43:08 AM): Like fucking Amonia
AutumnsAshesFall (1:43:13 AM): i know tat
AutumnsAshesFall (1:43:30 AM): im not tat dumb. half of the chemicals are the same shyt in rat poison
Pennwisedom (1:43:32 AM): Hydrocyanic Acid is one of my favorites
AutumnsAshesFall (1:44:03 AM): oh
Pennwisedom (1:44:18 AM): Its related to Cyanida
Pennwisedom (1:44:21 AM): Cyanide
AutumnsAshesFall (1:44:31 AM): which is in cigs as well
Pennwisedom (1:44:49 AM): Not in its like real form, cause that would literally kill you
Pennwisedom (1:44:57 AM): You can get a drop of Cyanide on your skin and it'll kill you
AutumnsAshesFall (1:44:59 AM): this is true
Pennwisedom (1:45:12 AM): Cadmium is in there however
AutumnsAshesFall (1:45:24 AM): thats one i havent heard yet
Pennwisedom (1:45:35 AM): Its battery fluid
AutumnsAshesFall (1:45:54 AM): ahhh really
AutumnsAshesFall (1:45:58 AM): heh
Pennwisedom (1:46:27 AM): Nicotine is still the most deadly thing in there though. Its hundreds of times more addictive than heroin
AutumnsAshesFall (1:47:13 AM): oh i know
Pennwisedom (1:47:25 AM): And then again, Heroin had a purpose when it was invented
AutumnsAshesFall (1:47:31 AM): which was
Pennwisedom (1:47:37 AM): It was a pain killer
AutumnsAshesFall (1:48:00 AM): was it? i know about cocain (codine)
Pennwisedom (1:48:05 AM): Morphine is basically just Heroin minus the addictive properties
Pennwisedom (1:48:12 AM): Codine is a very wimpy painkiller
AutumnsAshesFall (1:48:17 AM): lolz
Pennwisedom (1:48:30 AM): Morphine and Fentanyl and stuff are what they give you after major surgery
AutumnsAshesFall (1:48:37 AM): yea i no
Pennwisedom (1:48:47 AM): Even though we phone out I was allergic to Morphine
AutumnsAshesFall (1:49:03 AM): u were?
Pennwisedom (1:49:43 AM): Am
AutumnsAshesFall (1:49:55 AM): now that sucks hardcore
Pennwisedom (1:50:07 AM): And I have to take this phone call, so if you aren't here when I get back we can continue this all later, and you can note me or whatever
AutumnsAshesFall (1:50:22 AM): okies btw wats ur nam,e?
Pennwisedom (1:50:27 AM): And it did, especially since we found out after the operation
Pennwisedom (1:50:28 AM): Aaron
AutumnsAshesFall (1:50:34 AM): Hey im Jessica
AutumnsAshesFall (1:50:48 AM): il be here all night
AutumnsAshesFall (1:51:25 AM): cya later
Pennwisedom (1:51:33 AM): Okay, see ya
1 Death Warrent *^* Execute Me.

Saturday, December 6th, 2003

Subject:5in of snow and work till 8am........almost
Time:3:14 am.
Mood: amused.
another day..another entry....Well lets see..ah yes i woke up MAD late 2 day.....i hadda open my store 2 day...and offically i gotta clock in @ 9:30...tell me why i didnt wake up till 9:16! gahh my mom shut off my alarm...isnt tat sweet? but she didnt no i had work.....she figured i forgot to unset it because i dont have school on friday so w/e n/e ways i didnt open till 11:00. w/e then, it started to SNOW. when i say snow....not jus a light dusting i mean like 5inches of snow, snow....in the city no less blahhhness. then i was suppose to get out @ 6 but i was told that it was my turn to stay @ my job till like 8 in the morning to watch the store while the workers fix the gate (its been broken and theyve been hhere the past 2 days fixin it) but ne ways i can home got boots (because i would prob be trechin in like 8in of snow coming home 2 morrow morning.....and then got back @ 9 and we (my manager n i) waited for the guys but they never came so i was happy i didnt hafta stay :) wellies im cold and tired and shyt so im gona go now...
*^* Execute Me.

Thursday, December 4th, 2003

Subject:Now this was intresting
Time:12:51 am.
Mood: aggravated.
You&apos;re the 123!
You are the heart of the city, yet you never take
the glory for yourself. You work overtime to
get the job done fast and efficiently. You take
pride in knowing the city just wouldnt work if
you were out of service.

Which New York City subway line are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
*^* Execute Me.

Sunday, November 30th, 2003

Subject:Burning Embers Remain
Time:10:13 pm.
Mood: crazy.
Burning Embers Remain

Ashes remain as the fire burns out
my eyes turn from green to black
I look to the sky
Burning embers fall to the ground
Fires ignite again
but as quickly as the flame began
It dissapates just the same.
The smoke rises to the incandescent sky
Turning the purple vastness to grey
and my heart bleeds
I feel it palpitate then stop
as i slowly die
My burning embers remain
my love, caught in the fire
The cinders is all that is left
The wind blows
The ashes dissapper
As I become onlu a fading memory
Your eyes, as black as mine
Close and forget
Times remembered in vain,
Lustful moments we dare not speak of
But burning embers remain....
Like my love for you....
*^* Execute Me.

Sunday, November 23rd, 2003

Time:1:49 am.
Work work work and more Work........well @ least i get money........You know im here talking about work all the tyme and i never sed where i workd......i work @ Claires....yes the little preppy jewlery store.....the store where all the poser hot topic punks come to get rubber braclets cheaper than hot topic *shudders* god tat store is EVIL! i hate it.........fuckin posers i hate them..........not so much as in "hate" because we were all one once because we were discovering who we were but im talking about the fuckin 15 yr old wanna be good charlotte wannabe's who come into claires and try to steal fuckin $3.25 braclets........COMEON!!! if your gonna steal.........make it worth it man......shyt............oh wells.........OoO im sitting here listeniing to my music and Killswitch Engage jus came on......"My last senerade" its a beautiful song......

"This is My last senerade
I feel you as you fall away
This is my last senerade
From yourself you cant run away....

awsomeness......oo i can tell you about my semi intresting day at work..........well i get in @ 1 and all of a sudden 14 million people follow now its only me, my manager and my security guard (our staff is small........its my manager(shakira) 3 third keys(me, makeba and nicole) {a third key is like an assistant manager but dont get paid as one} an assoicate (laura) and our security guard (collen) thats IT our small lil stafff. its cute. but anyways it was majorly busy it was just gona be me shakira and collen and then nicole but @ 5:30 but it got so bad we called makeba in to come in @ 3:30 lolz........(ok it isnt intresting i wanted to make you read about my lame day at work) and it was piercing after piercing after piercing....BLAH.......sadd thing is is that i do all the piercings because everyone is sorta afraid but i mean wen im not there.....they gotta deal (and they broke my goddamn silver gun! i liked tat piercing gun now im reducded to the plastic gun) but mehness.....
*^* Execute Me.

Saturday, November 22nd, 2003

Subject:whee funes
Time:2:46 am.
Mood: awake.
*yawn* well i just got home like 20 min ago (its 2:09 am) i woke up @ 5:30am left @ 5:55 am and i went to my old high school to visit....man it was fun...i got to see the new generation of rockers...it was hilarious when i walked in they were like holy shyt its the Dark Mistress!!!!! i was like lolz...im was crownd queen because if it wasnt for me the group of rockers wouldnt be (if u saw my school ud understand, a small school a lil over 800 kids in an all spanish rap nebijorhood) and when i was in the 9th grade it was only me and my friend zoe and then i started to find all the rockers and bringing them slowly into the group and each year id recrute a newbie or a few...lol but when i graduated i passed down my legacy to John, mike and dexter. and they are doing a good job...im proud. WHat i cant believe is that WIlliam sed to someone that i started to group.....he actually admitted it.....last year he was like na na but he knew i knew he knew. he cant deny it.no no.....and another shocker they cant believe on how much weight i lost....i was 210 wen i graduated.....now im 168.....they were like HOLY SHIT....and i was wearing my pleather (viynal) pants, my viynal trench coat (which makes me look like the matrix....ive been getting 14 million matrix or trinity comments but bah!) and my zip up bondage shirt w. my bondage collar and they were all hailing me (now i have money lolz) it was funny as shyt.....but it was great...then i hadda go to work....1-9:30 BAH sukies. oh wellies....then my friend stephanie picked me up from work and i went to her house and she redyed my hair for me (yay back to black no more blonde roots!) it wqas getting annoying....then i came home.....yay! lolz....(yes me=lame) im gona be lazy and not change the song i dont feel like looking for a new one lolz....
*^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, November 18th, 2003

Subject:oo lookies
Time:6:47 pm.
heres the piercing!

*^* Execute Me.

Subject:OoO one more hole in my Body
Time:10:21 am.
Mood: chipper.
Well i just got my belly button pierced lolz....yes it might be "cliche" but when i went to Hidden shadows i saw this awsome belly button ring,

its a curved barbell and the ball has a black gothic cross on it, and surrounding the ball it has black wings...i gotta find a pic of it its maddddd coolman

other than tat i also got my 5th hole done in my ears so now i have 11 all together in my ears....so im down to 12 holes...i woulda had 14 if my indrustrial didnt get infected but im gona get that soon hehe...

piercing is fun.


1 Death Warrent *^* Execute Me.

Sunday, November 16th, 2003

Subject:New Icon..whoo
Time:3:07 am.
Mood: bouncy.
tanks to anime_chick (dam i will learn that code soon)

Well today waz fun i went to shadows and got a lil tipsy. it wad great. I was freakin out because they played prodigy and i was freaking out on the dance floor hehe but i dnt kare i had fun even though i got like majorly dizzy and my viynal pants were stickin to me it was all good i went out of the room had a cig and it was all good. Man it tooke me 1 hr and 45 min to get home from shadows but mehness oh wells i had fun ever theless.... (never i dont feel like deleting hehe) okies ima go now and try to talk to ppl on line eheh bai bai
*^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, November 11th, 2003

Time:1:30 pm.
Mood: melancholy.
Well here i am.....1:06pm, in the schools computer lab, being bored. No one is online, and im extremly sick. My head is killing me and my nose is running away from me, and when i cough it hurts. I dont have another class till 3:30 so im here stuck till then. Its too cold out side to walk around, and i dont have the time to go to the village to see whos around. I miss Skyy, even though i saw him for like 5 min yesterday. He was with Hannya and lucifer celebrating Hannya's bday. I hadda work so i couldnt hang out. Mehness. Im pathitac (sp) i know. I miss something that is not even mine. its like missingthe Mudvayne CD i borrowd from my friend. (not a good comparison, but give me a break im sick!) this weekend was the worse i ever had, and now Mike wants to "talk" to me....My friend sed he sed something about probation and seeing other ppl. WTF? i dont get it and i dont get him. i dont know it might be better of us not being together. I dont know anymore. i dont. I know im not makin much sence, but then again i never do lol. next tyme i hang out with skyy, and he askes me whats on my mind, this time instead of saying "not much" i will tell him whats on my mind. weather or not i might be pushing him away or scare him away, im going to tell him. Im going to tell him that im falling for him, Hard and fast. And no its not out of lust, because i know my lustful feelings, and my true feelings. when i first met him i always had a feeling for him and now its just growing stronger and stronger each day, and its killing me. it really sucks. but i mean i dont want to lose what i have with him now. So, mehness. wat to do wat to do... i dont know. when i see him, its like every problem i have, goes out the window and i cant help but smile. he just makes me so happy, and no one was ever able to do that...not even mike. No matter if i sed it or not. i know i was lying. Skyy gives me this weird awsome different feeling that i never got from anyone else and well, i cant help that. You cant help what the heart wants. No matter wat the brain says, the heart usually prevails. A while ago i wrote a semi poem about this lettmee see if i have it somewhere.....

ah yes here it is

Our Heart

its a part of our body
we live with it everyday
without it we die
but we are not owners of our hearts
we cant tell them what to do
they just feel and go by their own rules
what can we do?
I wish i can control my heart
i wish i can tell it what to do
but even
then we are not owners of our minds
and since we are not owners of our hearts
we are not owners of our minds
if we are not in control of our minds
we then are not in control of our actions
because our actions are controlled by our minds
our minds are controlled by our hearts
and since we are not owners of our hearts
we are not owners of our minds
and we are not in control of our actions
if we are not in control of our actions
we are not in control of our heartaches
because the heartaches come from the actions
which is controlled by the mind
which is controlled by the heart
and since we are not owners of our hearts.....
we cannot prevent what happens to it

Yes it might not make anysence....hell when i wrote it i was all fucked in the head. Its not like anything changed. but the poem speaks the truth....well my truth. my reality. I really dont know wat much to say any more. i think you got the jist of it.

and i leave you with this

I'll Break in two over you....I'll break in two and each peice of me dies, only you can give a breath of life, but you dont see me...you dont...
~FATA Autumns Monolouges

Now....and Forever....
4 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Sunday, November 9th, 2003

Subject:Chicken scratch on a not so "blank" palette
Time:12:13 am.
Mood: indescribable.
Is it really possible to like someone and "love" (i use the term loosly now) someone else? it is possible to fall in love with an infaucation, a person you hangout with and shyt? is it possible to live day by day in utter denial because you dont want to mess up what you sorta have with your friend? is it possible to actually become jelious of something that cannot be? Is it really possible that you know nothing will come of this but you like him too much to say anything, because you dont want to lose wat you sorta have? Is it possible that love is all relitive? is it possible that love is an illision? is it possible that even knowing the truths and the lies of love, you still fall just the same? Is it possible? is it real? is it imaginary, or is it reality? is it possible to be who u are in a realitionship, when that isnt a "realitionship" in the sence a human would think of, and not drive them away? is it possible to ask too many questions? is it possible that this is possible? No...it isnt and its sad. You know he loves another and you know you cant change ones feelings. You know that this is a false reality, or a matter of fact, a drownd old dream you created to fill a void, a void of what? a void of something missing, but what is that thing missing? is it love? no it cannot be love, because love doesnt exist.....Or does it? is there a thing as a true love? the "one"? or is it just there an oblivious factor in an everyday life that we, I, must deal with? I dont know. I dont know alot. This is whats on my mind. This mind isnt as blank as i say it is, but i am one to be quiet in situations like these to avoid less confusion, on both parts. Crayons can write alot on my mind, but it will look like chicken scratch because it isnt as blank as you think it is. Its full, full of thoughts, dreams, false hope, and failed realities. This is what it is like to have this thing, this Mind we must deal with and endure with. You know this as well as i do. And this is what i say to you, and this is what will be knowned. No do not let this change anything because i enjoy my self and i enjoy what i somewhat was able to have, what i was able to grasp. This thing that i hold in my mynd is only a thing, my failed reality. Can my false hope turn into a thing i wish it to be? no, it cannot. it cannot for the small factors of hurting others, the small factor of confusing others, and thus byfar hurting others. Complaction is a bitch, i cannot lie there it is. but how to deal is another lesson, another thing in its self that must be done. If it is not, then it lingers and burns the hole deeper and deeper than it already is. Do i make sence? of course not. But this is my mind i do not make anysence, if i did, if IT did, then this wouldnt be as hard as i perceve it to be. Some would say fuck it, some would say let it be known. but if i were able to let it be known, i wouldnt be as intresting as i am. This is all, for what is here and what is now, i dont know what will or will not happen. Will this be understood? possibley not, and all the better. Why? because complaction is a bitch and that is all is to be said.

and on this note....

I go.
8 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Thursday, November 6th, 2003

Time:2:24 pm.
Mood: cranky.
Ok im not the one for the whole thing of "emo" but here i go

"The Last Song"

This may be the last thing that i write for long
Can you hear me smiling when i sing this song, for you and only you

As I leave will you be someone to say good-bye
As I leave will you be someone to wipe your eye
My foot is out the door, and you can't stop me now

You wanted the best, it wasn't me, will you give it back
Now i'll take the lead, when there's no more room to make it grow
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive, is this what you want
Is this what you need, how you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I'm gone
This is the last song

The hearts start breaking as the year is gone
The dream's beginning and the time rolls on
It seems so surreal, now I sing it.
Somehow I knew that it would be this way,
Somehow I knew that it would slowly fade.
Now i'm gone, just try and stop me now.

You wanted the best, it wasn't me, will you give it back
Now i'll take the lead, when there's no more room to make it grow
I'll see you again, you'll pretend you're naive, is this what you want
Is this what you need, how you end up let me know.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I'm gone
This is the last song

And will you need me now, you'll find a way somehow
You want it too, I want it too.

As I go, remember all the simple things you know,
My mind is just a crutch and I still hope, that you will miss me when
I'm gone
This is the last song
[repeat 2x]

Your House

When you're on, I swear you're on.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
I think the whole room can hear me clear my throat.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
Then out of nowhere, put me right back there.
Rip my heart out, you rip my heart right out.
And we know what happens when we get to your house.
Rip my heart out, you'll rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
I throw away everything I've written you.
Oh anything just keep my mind off of it, thinking how I had you once.
No, I can't forget that.
Sometimes I wish I could loose you again.
You're winning me over with everything you say.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
When I let you closer, I only want you closer.
You rip my heart right out.
You rip my heart right out.
If you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, please don't, tell me now.
Yeah, if you still care at all, don't go, tell me now.
If you love me at all, don't call.
If you love me at all..

"Letters To You"

Can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms
It's empty tonight and i'm all alone
Get me through this one

Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so
I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so

I'm writing again these letters to you aren't much, I know
But i'm not sleeping and you're not here
The thought stops my heart

Do you notice i'm gone?
Where do you run to so far away?

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]

No more looking i've found home

I want you to know that I miss you I miss you so [x4]

I'm gone away
I'm gone away


Here I am beside myself again.
I'm torn apart by words that you have said.
And all in all,
I know we're falling apart.
Where did you run to so far away?
Here we are to sing you a song.
There you are asleep against the window pane
just like always.
You said you like to hear the rain sometimes.
And all I can do is tell you the truth.
And oh, my eyes will tell you the same.
Here we are to sing you a song.
There you are asleep again.
Grasp our hands together,
we feel we are one result.
And here we are to sing you a song.
And there you are asleep again...


Kiss the sun
In your eyes
Love unveiled
I can't deny
Be not warned
Watch it fall

Close your eyes and begin to breath
Something is coming over me
Lost to find, and a soul to keep
cause you love me...

Give this one
On bended knee
Price to pay
Please wait for me
A trial by fire
A setting Sun
A love I've won...

Close your eyes and begin to breath
Something is coming over me
Lost to find, and a soul to keep
Cause you love me...

Inside, I wait
Inside, I wait

Kiss the sun
In your eyes
Love unveiled
I can't deny
be not warned
Watch it fall

Close your eyes and begin to breath
Something is coming over me
Lost to find, and a soul to keep
Cause you love me...

Inside, I wait
Inside, I wait

Close your eyes and begin to breath
Something is coming over me
Lost to find, and a soul to keep
Cause you love me
you love me
you love me
you love me...
*^* Execute Me.

Friday, October 31st, 2003

Subject:Fuckin malice
Time:8:58 am.
Mood: aggravated.
Fuckin bitch that he fuckin is. He fuckin told ppl that i slept with skyy!! wtf man! i really need to fuckin kick is fuckin ass. I really do. Not only is he fucking me over how about hes also prob fuckin skyy over! FUCK MAN fuck the village fuck malice i dont fuckin belong there...i just fuckin work there im not a cube rat im not a mcdonalds whore. I dont know much on what to do anymore
11 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Wednesday, October 29th, 2003

Subject:Friends who dont have a live journal
Time:6:41 am.
I have some entries tat is friends only so if u wanna see it im me okies
*^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, October 28th, 2003

Subject:x-rated not for kids
Time:9:47 pm.
Mood: blank.
You must be mature to read this....alot of adult content

Story x-ratedCollapse )
5 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Subject:Untitled (help me on a name)
Time:1:17 pm.
Mood: creative.
I was bored so i wrote....its not done yet........

The dark amplifies the chill of the falling snow as each flake falls sharply to the ground. It slows down only to land gently onto the surface of his eyelashes.

He is a dark mysterious creature with an almost alluring mystique about him. His cold piercing stare chills you from within, yet, it also tempts you with an almost certain lust for this being. He calls you into the shadows and lures you with the sweetness of his penetrating voice. The glimmer of the moon shows only his lips, bright red glinting from his previous feed. He licks his lips and for a brief moment you see his sharp fangs growing inch by inch, preparing itself for dessert. You cannot move, You just stare, unable to speak, unable to scream. You are left helpless and prey to him. He takes you slowly but swiftly beneath his cape, and for almost an instant, you feel safe, despite the circumstances. You can hear a low growl coming from him. He takes in a deep breath and caresses your face. You’re in his web now, trapped. At the last second you realize where you are and what’s going to happen. But its too late. He disappeared into the shadows, as you are left on your knees with blood running down your neck. You try to get up, but you fall down again, and lay in the snow as a pool of blood surrounds you. You are on the verge of dying. As you breathe your last gasp of air, you see him again, and he picks you up and you sleep in his arms.

Crystal tears form in your eyes as you awake from your deep slumber. He calls out to you
“My love, you are awake.”
You look into his eyes. The same dark eyes who called to you in the shadows. You jump,
“Who are you?” you ask, though your voice quivers in fear.
“I am Ahasurus, you wonder why you are here, correct?” You nod softly. “You are one of us now, a creature of the night, your long awaited dream! You called to us numerous amounts of times. IT was only a matter of time we would come to you. You are now what you always longed to be.”
You stare silently. He is right, this IS what you wanted, freedom. Freedom from home, freedom from the world. You have everything you desire. Well, almost. Your stomach starts to grumble and your new sharp fangs start to emerge.
“A little anxious to feed aren’t we?” You gulp with enthusiasm. “Woah little one, it is still too early for you. Here this shall calm your hunger.”
He picks up a bottle and breaks it. He cuts slowly along his wrists to open up his veins. Dark sweet blood starts to flow from the open wounds. You look at him and start to drink. The blood seems to burn you, yet warm you from within.
“Now its official.” You stare, perplexed at the short comment. Then at that moment you realize that once you drink the blood from the one who turned you, there is no turing back. You are a true vampyre now.

The room has a sick eerie feel to it. The walls are painted a crimson red and there is only one light, dimly illuminating the room. The chair in the corner is a deep beige, stained with old dried up blood. There is a single window in the room, draped with black satin. You peer out the window and the sun is just setting. A thick fog surrounds the house and visibility becomes limited. The moon tries to peer out from the thickening clouds. A storm is approaching.
You start to walk down the winding dust covered staircase and on your sides you notice paintings by Van Gough. One particular one caught your eye. The painting is called “Starry Night”. You’ve seen this painting many times, for it is one of your favorites. You remember a while back, you longed for the freedom of the night.
Ahasurus calls out to you; “A storm is brewing my love, it is best to keep in for the night.” You look at him and softly reply,
“Its OK. I live for storms.”
He nods at you and walks off. You fling open the chamber doors and you feel the strong breeze flow gently through your long black hair. It feels refreshing upon your pale skin. You step into the center of the yard and flutter your arms open, enjoying each breeze. Thunder grumbles in the distance. You lay on the grass, sprawled out upon each blade as it gently caresses your skin. It feels so soft, so welcoming. You can just lay here for eternity.
“Weather here is strange” You think to your self. “From snow to rain, a thunderstorm no less, No matter.”
A few rain drops brush against your face. you take in a deep breath and close your eyes. It starts to rain lightly at first then heavy. The water pounding on your body soothes you as you fall into a deep sleep.

You wake up and you are drenched, cold and alone. You start to walk back into the house when you get a weaking in your knees and you fall. You start to crawl to the house when Ahasurus runs and picks you up and brings you into the house.

"What happened out there?"
"I had a vision"
"Tell me about it" Ahasurus says as he sits on the velvet sofa.
“As the sun sets I stand at the end of the bridge. The wind blows soft waves in the lake. Things are changing. Mentally and physically. But I just don’t understand what. On the brink of the horizon I see a bright light flash, and suddenly I am in a green field. As my cape blew in the breeze, I smell the fresh pines in the air. I open my eyes, and I am back on the ground where I fell asleep, cold and alone. I heard a voice call out to me “Gabriella let go, Gabriella, become me.” I got up to look, Nothing. As I was walking back to the house the voice kept on repeating in my head. I just didn’t understand what it meant. Then I heard “Anáil nathrach, ortha bháis is beatha, do chéal déanaimh” From what I know it is old irish, but I don’t know what it means.”

Ahasurus just looks at you. His piercing eyes, wide open.
"Serpent's breath, charm of death and life, thy omen of making."
"This charm invokes the dragon... I shall tell you what's out there... A beast of such power that if you were to see it whole and all complete in a single glance it would burn you to cinders. It is everywhere. It is everything..."
Still confused, you walk to the window and peer out. The vastness of the land just seems to wisk you away with everything you know, everything you loved.
"I have a lover out there somewhere. Zeronous. He knows everything about me, yet he knows nothing at all. We have been having a bit of a quarral latly, and well I don't know what much to do anymore."
Ahasurus comes up behinds you and wraps his arms around you tightly. He kissed the top of your head leans on it.
"Don't fret about it too much, I will be here."
He spins you around and lightly kisses your chin. You close your eyes and bury your head in his arms.
3 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Sunday, October 26th, 2003

Time:7:53 am.
Mood: confused.
SLEEP! something rare! I went to hidden shadows last night (with joanna 2!) and it was great i had a fuckin blast!!! the i was hangoug out with Skyy and his friend rod, (although joanna and rod were hanging out a bit more together lol ;) ) i had like uber fun. but nopw i gotta go to work early to finish closing the store because it wouldnt let me lol well i gotta go heres a little ranting..........

dont you sometimes wish you can change the past,
or even alter the future?
dont you wish that some choices you made werent in vain,
or selfish towards your own liking?
Dont you wish you would of looked out for the other persons feelings,
Rather than Leading them on, then turning them down?
Dont you wish that he was yours?
Dont you wish that there was something you can do so you wouldnt hurt another person in your life?
dont you wish there was another option?
Dont you wish that there was another way?
Dont you wish you can be happy, not confused?
you say you wish, but wishes arent granted.
you live
you love
you learn
you die.
1 Death Warrent *^* Execute Me.

Saturday, October 25th, 2003

Subject:the crowness
Time:8:29 am.
Mood: blank.
“People once believe that when someone died, a crow brought that soul to the land of the dead. But sometimes, something so bad happens that a terrible sadness is carried with it, and the soul can’t rest. Sometimes, just sometimes, a crow can bring that soul back to put the wrong things right.” “If a building gets torched, all that is left is ashes. I used to think that about everything: family, friends, feelings. But now I know. If two people love each other, nothing can keep them apart.”

“If the people we love are lost, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them. Buildings burn, people die, but real love is forever.”
*^* Execute Me.

Time:7:40 am.
Mood: bouncy.
well last nite i was hanging out w. my friend skyy from the vill. He kidnapped me and brought me to his friends house. it was fun to be kidnapped for a night hehe its fun hanging out w. skyy hes an awsome dude hehe
*^* Execute Me.

Friday, October 24th, 2003

Subject:heh.....the truth kills
Time:8:25 am.
Mood: crappy.
”Victims... aren’t we all?”

Which Quote From The Crow Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
2 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, October 21st, 2003

Subject:holy shit
Time:2:21 pm.
Jennifriend u gotta download the band scrawl, the song is prize....tell me what the begining sounds like!
6 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Saturday, October 18th, 2003

Subject:the freaky fun!!!
Time:5:03 am.
Mood: mischievous.
hehe so i did end up going to funhouse and man oh man was it fun too fun to type in this journal but if ur really intrested IM me on autumnsashesfall and ill tell ya lol
*^* Execute Me.

Friday, October 17th, 2003

Subject:to go to funhouse or not to go to fun house
Time:10:36 am.
Mood: crappy.
that is the question..........

i duno i wanna go but i dont wanna go alone.....n i have no ones # from the vil to ask them........meh ill prob see them today anyways because i gotta work
*^* Execute Me.

Tuesday, October 14th, 2003

Time:1:13 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
ahh right now im in school im getting ready to go to work, i dont wanna go though....blah im too friggin lazy, claires sucks now for me i dont want to deal with it anymore....at least im in a higher position now, so its not at all that bad

i also gotta save up money because i gotta move outta my house sooo bad im getting annoyed with my parents so i gotta find a cheap place plus maybe someone to stay with....meh..

i gotta go to work cya
2 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Saturday, October 11th, 2003

Subject:he still cares....
Time:2:45 am.
Mood: groggy.
So his best friend sez....heh.....well i figure if he wants an crack maybe i can too? i dont know i mean i just turned 18 and now im starting to have freedom......i never been to a party ever....a club ever.....im gonna go to Hidden Shadows on Oct 25th heehee so its gona be fun....but i havent had a chance to be a "real" 18 yr old yet.......but meh ima stay w. him i love him too fucking much to let him go...... its 4 months for us 2 day so meh

5 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Thursday, October 9th, 2003

Time:10:02 am.
Mood: bitchy.
GRRRE JOanna ur right we have a curse.....wen im happy ur not and wen urhapppy im not not fskin fair!!!!!!!!!!!!
3 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Wednesday, October 8th, 2003

Time:12:13 pm.
Mood: apathetic.
well i think i finally got it fixed after both of us had psychotic epsoides. i Left his house monday and i was crying and that night i went back to cutting myself again and on tuesday he had suciadle thoughts and went to the psych ward, because he couldnt stand seeing me cry. SO i know he cares...alot.......we talked and what it all comes down to is that he wants to find who is really is and in order to do that he needs to experence life. I understand him and im not gonna hold him back....so im letting go..but were not breaking up

he sed he dont want to break up with me he just dont wanna be a couple whatever but whatever makes him happy and i will be here....i dont kare...heh..
4 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Sunday, October 5th, 2003

Time:3:08 am.
Mood: depressed.
*sighs* gosh i dont know what to do anymore. I love my Dear Dear mike so much but i want watever will make him happy.

Well he was talkn to me today and he sed that i loves me and he nevr wants to break up, nor does he want an open realitionship he defined it as a "crack" he wants to date other ppl or well see wat its like (just not do anything with them, not even kiss) all i can say is do whatever makes you happy......this isnt really something i need, not right now...

But he did say something tat is really special to me.....he told me i was the first person he ever fell in love with and nothings gonna replace that, but im worried if he finds, say someone while dating (remember no kissing)that he has so much fun with that he totally forgets about me.....then what

i dont know i told Mike tat and he told me to never say that he hugged me really tight i tried not to cry and that was tat. i dont know im on past the verge of tears and no one is online for me to talk to......i need to talk to someone i wish some one was around....
3 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Wednesday, October 1st, 2003

Subject:LOL its soo true
Time:11:45 am.
Mood: cold.
<td bgcolor="#000000">username</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">fav. color</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">age</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA"></td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">You are</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">weeeird</td></tr><td bgcolor="#000000">Do not</td><td bgcolor="#DDDDAA">save money</td></tr>
How cool are you? by hoidii
Created with quill18's MemeGen!
*^* Execute Me.

Monday, September 29th, 2003

Subject:helllllllllllllllllllllllllll fuckin yea
Time:5:22 pm.
Mood: bouncy.
HEHE i got a tattoooooooooo


(ps) its my horoscope sign in my ruling planet

My tattooCollapse )
3 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

Thursday, September 25th, 2003

Subject:Confusion has been lifted!!
Time:12:50 pm.
turns out mike sed that to kat. because he didnt want her to go out w. kenny because kenny is a dick to girls.....long story but eveything is better now and im happy :)
3 Death Warrents *^* Execute Me.

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